"You just don’t rely on them to have deep discussions about your experiences. Your partner is someone you can turn to when you want a date or company at an event." Zinn isn't advocating that you keep your distance from your partner or anything like that: "Not that you don’t have lively discussions with your partner if you aren’t best friends," she adds. "These are the people to turn to when you need a best friend. Unless you're very young when you meet your partner, it's likely that you both will have already have your own best friends, she says. "This way, there’s something they can always learn about one another." They keep some intrigue in their relationship." Instead of divulging every last thing that has ever happened to you, "let there be an aura of mystery," she says. "Yes, it’s important to have similar values, but the partners wouldn’t share every secret. "Rather than avoiding becoming best friends, I see it as knowing what you want in a partner," Zinn says.
IM NOT YOUR FRIEND HOW TO
How To Avoid Becoming Best Friends With Your Partner Here's what Zinn had to say about not becoming BFF with your partner. If I want to go out with friends or my partner does, it's cool because there's’ no jealousy, she says, or assumptions that you should be doing everything as a couple.
The last reason she gives for staying away from BFF-ship with your lover? "There can be less resentment with the partner’s independence," she says.
IM NOT YOUR FRIEND FULL
"There are more creative and full sex lives when one is not having sex with a friend." Though that hasn't been my personal experience, I can totally understand why this could be the case. It's not just about interpersonal communication, though: "Another advantage is the couple’s sex life," Zinn adds. "They can appreciate each other for who they are, rather than trying to satisfy some unfulfilled need." "It allows each partner to manage expectations in their relationship," she says. This is not to say that I rely on my partner for everything: I've always had tons of friends, mostly women, and I am pretty good at years-long friendships.įrom the start, she's very clear about her preferences: "My experience leads me to advocate strongly for partners not being best friends," Zinn tells Bustle. For me, the idea of keeping your relationship separate from a best-friendship seems super foreign. So I asked why it's OK if your partner isn't your best friend of Janet Zinn, a New York City–based couples therapist. But this is not the way it is for everyone. Historically, when I've gotten serious about a partner, we've become really good friends on top of being lovers.